Top 10 Ways to Restore Your Marriage

You can retrieve your marriage from the brink of divorce, despair, and "I don't care". All is not lost, and by following these easy steps, you can restore the love, passion and energy that you shared early on.

1. Be at peace with yourself. Your spouse cannot make you happy. You cannot make your spouse happy. What you can do is work on changing your own mind set. Being peaceful or happy begins in the mind. When a situation provokes your ire, remind yourself that you can choose to see it differently. Seek to see peace in any given situation. A person at peace with himself has more energy to be at peace with those around him. (Or her)

2. Take responsibility for your contentment. A lasting relationship is based on the choices we make today. You have the power to choose your response to circumstances and people around you. If one of you takes responsibility for his own behavior you begin to change the cycle of blame, anger and resentment. Choose for today, for yourself.

3. Improve communication. The best way to improve communication is to shut your mouth. No really. Listen. Let your spouse speak uninterrupted. It is difficult to really listen, usually we are formulating a response. Instead, slow your brain down, and just listen. Repeat back what was said, and ask if you heard correctly. When you repeat what someone says, it confirms and validates the feelings behind the spoken word. While repeating may seem trite and somewhat condescending, realize that it conveys a depth of understanding and caring that may have been lacking.

4. Set clear boundaries. It is important in any relationship to clearly define how you will treat others, and how you will allow yourself to be treated. If your marriage is shaky, perhaps you have failed to set appropriate boundaries. Setting boundaries allows others to respect who you are as a person, and sets you apart as separate and unique from them. Each of us is worthy of respect from others and from ourselves, and setting appropriate boundaries helps ensure this respect. In order to stand your ground, you must be willing to speak your truth with love. Speaking respectfully, you can be reasonable, firm and calm. This helps not only you, but your spouse as well.

5. Realize that your spouse is not necessarily irritating you on purpose. Sometimes, people behave in a way that is annoying. Don't take it personally. They may not deliberately try to annoy you. Remove yourself from the situation and realize that it is not about you. Their behavior is about them. They are seeking something, whether it be attention, love, affection. This has nothing to do with you. Let it go.

6. Give lots of praise. Try to praise your spouse three times a day, with specific instances of praise. This will do wonders for your relationship. Not only is it a huge energy boost for your spouse, praising them will remind you exactly why you like them in the first place. It motivates and brings out the best in your spouse. Criticism drills a hole in your emotions, which allows energy to drain out. Praise helps us meet two basic needs, the need to feel significant, and the need to feel secure in our closest relationship. Stop focusing on the bad and highlight the good.

7. Realize that your spouse is a great parent. The picture may not look exactly as you think it should, but realize that deep down, we are all intimidated by parenthood. Even after many children it doesn't get any easier. Rather than see every mistake as a personal slight, realize that your spouse is doing the best they can today. Each of us had a unique childhood, with different experiences and parenting styles. This doesn't make your spouse wrong. Just different. We each do the best we can, with what we have learned. No one tries to be a crappy parent.

8. Resolve conflict. Realize that every marriage has conflict, and it can be dealt with in a positive manner. How we handle conflict can bring us closer together, or drive us further apart. Most conflicts arise from misunderstandings and unmet needs. First, be clear about your own needs in the marriage. Then, work to meet your family's needs. Conflict should be resolved as your partner reveals their feelings and needs. Withdrawing into yourself creates fear, confusion, and more misunderstanding. Stand firm, face your spouses needs and work toward restoring intimacy. It seems uncomfortable, but facing the beast head on, and genuinely working to resolve the issues will lead to deeper understanding for both of you.

9. Enhance your intimacy. Intimacy does not equal sex. Emotional intimacy means sharing your feelings, dreams, and fears. Opening up to your spouse on an emotional level means you trust them enough to be vulnerable. Physical intimacy does not always mean sex. Enhance physical intimacy by touching your spouse throughout the day. Women especially respond to meaningful touch, but it is also great for men. Non-sexual affectionate hugs, pats and kisses are pleasing and healing for both partners. Spiritual intimacy can be achieved through seeking a higher purpose, sharing philosophical and spiritual texts, ideas and insights. Share with your spouse the lessons you learned today.

10. Bring your best self to the marriage. No matter what else happens today, you can control your emotions. Not only do you not have a right to be "pissy" or grumpy, you have an obligation to be happy for your family. Treat your spouse as if you love them with your very last breath. Think today, and everyday, of how you can make their life more pleasant. Be the kind of person that you would like to come home to. The goal of marriage is peace and happiness. When you begin to act peaceful and happy, amazing things will happen in your marriage.