Top 10 Things Women Do To Destroy Their Marriage
83While both husband and wife should take responsibility for their part in a marriage, below are ten mistakes common to women, which can completely destroy a marriage.
1. Using words to hurt, maim and destroy your marriage: Although men are stronger, women have the advantage when it comes to verbal strength. Women are adept at brandishing the sharpest words in order to shame, demean and belittle their man. Words are like toothpaste. Once they are out, there is no getting them back in. Regardless of how sorry you are afterward, the damage has been done.
2. Having unrealistic expectations: Seeking fulfillment from one person, and projecting your unhappiness onto him when he doesn't measure up will quickly destroy your marriage. If you feel unhappy, first examine reality. You will be happier if you shape your expectations to fit the reality of your situation. Expecting your spouse or children to make you happy is unrealistic. Make yourself happy.
3. Using sarcastic and critical statements, gestures, and facial expressions. This is a quick and easy way to show your husband that you don't respect him or his opinion. Men can become overwhelmed by the barrage of criticism coming at them. The result is they shut down, withdraw, and seek kindness and approval elsewhere.
4. Criticize him, make fun of him and belittle him to your friends and family: Not only will this diminish your husband in your eyes, it will poison those closest to you. You force them to take sides, and of course they choose your side, because they want to be loyal to you. They will not look at your husband the same. Once you are over your tirade, they will still be mad at him. Your close friendships and relationships will remain irreparably altered against your husband, in time, this can destroy your marriage.
5. Withhold affection and sex: Men are wired differently than women. They need physical release through sexual intimacy. When you refuse to meet that need, you are making a much deeper statement; you do not care about or respect his needs. As much as you need emotional release and closeness, he is wired to need physical release and closeness. Neither is wrong. You are just different. While you want your emotional needs met, it is important not to lose sight of his needs. Think of it this way; what if he stopped talking to you for three days? How about a week? What if he didn't talk to you for a month? Unconscionable. Likewise, it is unfair for you to cut him off from what he needs.
6. Disrespecting his insight, opinions and advice: Men are fixers. By nature, if you present a problem, he will come up with concrete steps to solve the problem. When you are dismissive, it sends the message that you do not value him. If you just want to bitch and complain, call a girlfriend. Girlfriends are great listeners. They will not try to fix you. If you must whine at your husband, tell him upfront that you don't need a solution, just an ear to hear. Sometimes, you might actually follow his advice. It could just work.
7. Undermining his authority, but demanding he take full responsibility: In any organization, there must be a leader, someone in charge. The head over the whole organization, who says, "The buck stops here." Typically, the person who carries the responsibility ought to be the one who has the final say. Don't become so focused on your own feelings and fears (i.e. I'm afraid he'll make a bad decision. I feel like I make better decisions) to override his feelings and fears (i.e. I am responsible to take care of the family. I'm afraid no one in the family respects me.) Be gracious in light of his decision making. You can respectfully disagree with a decision without attacking his ability to lead.
8. Never being happy: One of the quickest ways to destroy your marriage is to spend all your time acting miserable and unhappy. The goal of marriage should be peace and happiness. It is to this end that you have an obligation to be happy. If the goal is to be happily married, it is up to you to exercise self control. There is no need to express every angry, bitter or resentful thought. By owning your own problems, you can take responsibility for your own happiness. Each day, work on bringing your best self into the relationship. Regardless of what happens, you are only one thought away from peace.
9. Demoralizing him and crushing his spirit: If asked, most men believe their wives to be more moral and spiritual than themselves. Often, the wife agrees. She does not see herself as sinful or wrong. She feels her greatest "sins" lie in being deeply disappointed by her husband's failures and her children's shortcomings. Beyond this, wives typically admit to bad behavior and attitudes, but attribute it to hormones, chemical imbalances and a dysfunctional childhood. Woe to the husband who dares suggest his lovely bride could use improvement in some aspect of her life. Labeled a heartless, uncaring, unrighteous lout, he is silenced by an angered, wounded wife, cloaked in self-righteous indignation. She then feels perfectly justified in attacking every flaw, magnifying every misstep and pointing out every failure, until he feels ashamed for living. You are not your husbands holy spirit. Stop trying to correct every little flaw you perceive in his character and set about removing the blinding plank from your own eye.
10. Picking the wrong man. Again. And again. You meet a man. You like him. You start dating. Then you begin to notice the tiny flaws. The chinks in his armor. He yells, just like your dad did. He drinks and becomes abusive. He is mean to your kids. "It's o.k., " you tell yourself, "I'll fix him after we get married." Stop right there. There is no fixing it. The man you date will be the same man after you are married. Inherently kind? He'll still be kind. Addicted to pornography? He'll still be addicted. You cannot change the basic nature of other people. You cannot love them into changing. You cannot nag or pout or complain them into changing. If the relationship feels unhealthy during dating, getting married will not fix it. He will not magically become more responsible, more reliable, or more loving after you marry him. So if you want a good husband, find a good man, date him, and marry him.
While this list may seem daunting, it is important to remember that the main goal of marriage should be peace and happiness. If life is stressful, work on changing your perception. You can see peace instead of stress. You are only one thought away from a peaceful life. If you feel unhappy, seek those thing that will fulfill you in life. Just be happy. The simplest route to something is to just be. The only person you can change is yourself.
Tips to Save Your Marriage
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So how do you know my exes?
Thanks for reading my hubs Lynda.
Unfortunately, Micky Dee, we women can sometimes be really crazy. Sorry about that.
For any woman to behave as described above means that she does not really love her man. If she did, she would behave appropriately :D
- So it's a lost cause in any case ... :-)
You have a good point. My hope is that a woman whose marriage isn't flourishing might read these, and have a shift in perspective, regarding her own behavior. Unfortunately, most people are too quick to point out what the other person is doing wrong, without evaluating themselves.
Good, Good, Good.
I've found though that real love can grow despite things like what you wrote.
My wife and I have gone through so many things but because our love is real we just grew through the hurts.
I guess a willingness to be a better person coupled with that love has continued to make us better people for one another. Our trust has just continued to grow and it's amazing.
I don't know how to explain it any further. Each thing we go through together and conquer the stronger and closer we have become.
Incidentally it appears the sex gets better as we get closer
I'm a firm believer in love.
I should say though that our belief in Jesus Christ and putting him first has been our template for what true love is.
Great Hub!
Thanks for stopping by, terced ojos, and sharing a great story about your family. Sex does get better as we get closer. I think putting Jesus first is a great template for a good marriage.
i love my........
Marriages are a case by case success story that must be address seperately. We see our parents in happy situations and fail to realize we don't know the things they accepted to make it work.
We don't always get the honest truth about matters so we should see our mistakes as being able to over come any obstacles we created.
Great article, and so true
The only person you can change is yourself.
luv ur hub!
Deborah Demander, Nice hub! You have made some great points! Thank you for sharing, Peace & Blessings!
Very good article. As you know, marriage is a struggle and a journey. Very good advice for men and women both.
I think a lot of this behaviour comes from young women going into relationships with unrealistic expectations. I have to sound like a crusty old curmudgeon here and say that I blame it on the media to a big extent! Films, videos, tv, magazines, etc portray very unrealistic ideas of romantic love that NO man could live up to. Marriage is about so much more than romance and we are not preparing our young people for that. Deborah Demander - I suggest we hand out copies of you list to young couples everywhere, as the points you make are good advice for women AND men....
Deborah what a wonderful hub. What a help to marriages and relationships. We men could take a lesson from this as well. What we say often comes out of hurts we could avoid if we lived by our own values instead of looking to our partner for our validation. Great, great job.
Great article Deborah, you covered many important things. I agree you can't change the basic nature of people, if they are a certain way when you're dating them most likely they will remain the same when you marry them. Thank you so much! Awesome hub!!
I think you've covered it all so well in this great hub! I see so many marriages around us collapsing and so often, so many of the flaws you've covered and glaringly present.
this and the related hub about men are pure genius! and i feel thoroughly more equipped to make good decisions regarding marriage (or the lack thereof :/)
ah, peace and happiness, it is so elusive for many men and women, who are trying to change their spouse into what they'd always dreamed of. What you marry is what you get...the only change that might happen is your partner or menopause. Great hub~~MFB
I've read this and your other hub about 10 things men do to destroy their marriage. I think they're really good and very thoughtful, and so right. I'm glad that I don't do the things in '10 things men do to destroy their marriage'. I actually feel close to some of the reasons in that article, and if they happened to me I wouldn't be happy, so I can understand it from a womans point of view too. Two really good articles thankyou.
This is a really good hub, thanks for the advise.
you hit the nail on the head. good hub!
Useful hub. You've touched upon all possible things there are that can destroy a marriage! Voted up and rated 'useful,' thanks again for a wonderful hub :)
You covered some serious points, which women can sometimes not even be aware of.
Beautifully written with much useful information. I definitely see myself insome of these explanations. Thanks!
nice hub
very true, when I was counseling women, the ones that upset me the most were the women who choose their men tried to change them and then complained about it! Choose wisely
As A women, sometime we can get carry away by our words and to admit our wrong, it is worth to just say "I am sorry" it does not hurt much, just our pride that can be a hindrance to both couple.
Good writeup and reminder for me. At times, it is as a matter how we say it that makes the difference.
I can relate to this article. I am last, after the dog. She shoes me no respect and constantly tells me it's my fault, whatever the problem. My wife says she's "sorry" one a scale of 250 to one.
Fred, sorry to hear of your troubles. I hope things work out for you.
Namaste
Great Hub! #2 could have been the number 1 way or #10. :-)
I would probably add "taking them for granted". This tends to happen a lot in long term relationships. People just "relax" and act as though they purchased a sofa and all you have to do is place it in a corner for the next 25 years. I recently read a comment a woman wrote on another post stating "marriage was easier than dating because when you're married you don't have to worry about how you (act) nor be concerned with making a good (impression)"
In reality relationships are more like gardens. You have to "nurture" a garden. The "work" is never done (hoeing the ground, planting seed, watering, pulling wedds, and keeping pests out) only then do we get to reap the harvest. If you don't nurture a garden or a relationship they will die.
"It's easier to maintain a fire than it is to reignite a spark!"
Once again excellent hub!
You are right on, scorpio, marriages are like gardens and must be taken care of to thrive. Thanks for the comment.
Namaste.
Regarding tip #6: Even after all these years, my initial reaction to a complaint is to try and fix it. Us men are so hardwired to want to solve problems. She will then gently remind me that I just need to listen and empathize.
Pente, thanks for reading. It is difficult not to want to solve your wife's problems. However, sometimes a good ear is all we need.
Namaste.
Actually I think #10 should be #1 LOL!
Seriously if you think you have the best partner in the world you're not likely to do most of the other 9 things.
We all choose our own friends,lovers, and spouses.
If you want an apple but purchase an onion...Whose fault is that? People have to know what they want,need, and be willing to stick to their "shopping list".
Very well written hub!
Very Good,
In marriage we must understand first and foremost, we are on the same side.
Words have power to kill or bring life. Choose them carefully.
God Bless, Allen
This is a great hub! Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
Really nice thing all the girls should know this and avoid these things.I have started following you.
In general Women operate with the general delusional state that their "feelings" are objective reality. Female biology has these "feelings" all over the place on a monthly / sometimes daily basis. So your cognitive processes are someplace between ADD / BiPolar / Schizophrenia. You have to explain this to us guys, that you are insane. We have been taught the fraud that you think (in some manor like we do). Start telling the truth & you will most surely be rewarded with a supportive, sympathetic, protective & loving partner. Stop insisting on this lie that you can perceive objective reality.. for a woman that usually comes after menopause.
Robert, you may be right, I may be crazy. But you sound just a little bitter. In general, the world would be a much better if you "logical" men admitted to having the occasional feeling. Thinking isn't everything.
Namaste.
Veru good article.
A Top Eleventh (11th) and extremely Popular thing that Women Do to Destroy their Marriage is that they take advice from their girlfriends (and at least one female author on Channel 9 (WGCL) that the women must stop asking their spouse for sex, but instead must let him sweat or work hard for sex; and their spouse must read their mind to know when their wives need sex; and if their husbands do not read her mind, the woman accuse him of being insensitive, and withold sex.
Many wives and their girlfriends disrespect Biblical Advice to the Married:
2 ""....since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband. 3 The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. 5 Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control."
A very good article Deborah, thanks. My wife has been behaving like this for 15 years and is crushing my spirit, despite me talking to her about it.
When the kids are grown up I will seek freedom, and be very careful about ever living with a woman again.
I do however enjoy my women friends a lot with their emotional insights and different views on the world, but in my experience, women are like candles: befriending them brings warmth and light into your life, but getting too close burns you.
Your writing style and ideas are fantastic, you must be a great friend.
Mike
Val, you are absolutely correct, women should not withhold sex. It destroys marriages.
Magic Mike, I'm sorry to hear about your tough marriage. Maybe you should direct your wife to hubpages. Or therapy.
Namaste.
Methinks the whole problems start by picking the wrong guy.
Sometimes the ladies become so desperate to get married and they throw caution to the winds and pick the wrong gee and a can of worms opens up before them...
But on a brighter note, Debbie if you really believe women should not withhold sex, then we should get married asap
Because...
Seriously speaking, both of us, we think alike, hahaha
You are pretty funny Emmyboy. I do think that people often become desperate and pick the wrong partner. Then spend too many years trying to change the person.
I don't think anyone should withhold sex from their partner. Unfortunately, I'm already married. Thanks for reading though. Obviously we do think alike.
Namaste.
WOW, What an awesome article you actually shared in here and i think these should be a great read for all ladies and guys who wants a happy and healthy relationship and especially my fellow ladies should try and always watch their tong while talking to their husband or friend.
i used to pick "fixer uppers" no more, my eyes are wide open now. a great hub Deb, thanks for the reminder and the insight. :) Lvh
Sun-Girl, thanks for your positive feedback. I think you are correct, we should all watch our tongue. It can be a dangerous weapon.
writinginalaska, I made the same mistakes. Thanks for stopping by.
Namaste.
Wow great pointers. I've learned a lot from 7 habits of effective people, the classic book by Stephen Covey. Many of us have, money, power, family, spouse, career, our reputation, or even our Church as our centers. Obviously these differ from person to person, but the jist of it, is that if your sense of happiness relies on some external thing, then you will never be happy and if you take this out on your spouse then it's no good. Also never understood why some women stop w/ the sexors once they get married. That's a buzz kill.
jberens43, thanks for the comments. I am quite familiar with the 7 Habits, and find it to be a useful tool. I agree, when we see happiness through external sources, we are doomed to failure and discontent.
And I agree, when people withhold sex after marriage, it is a buzz kill.
Namaste.
We were told most of those things by our pastor when we got married. Now she has finally decided that she isn't going to change me into the man she wanted. She says she married me because I asked. If she had followed half of the things in the list, we would be pretty darn happy. Instead she is going to walk out, because she deserves a chance at happiness, and for some reason can't seem to see any opportunity to do that within our 14 year marriage. Instead she believes she will find in divorce, and in conflict with me for the next 11 years over children. I believe like so many women who demeaned their husbands over the years that she will continue to be able to run over me, and she will be able to have a loyal ex-husband who takes care of her for the kids, and can have her lovers on her terms without all the mess of family. Its sad, very sad, and I know that I am not alone. If you follow your own advice, then your husband is a lucky man. My biggest regret is that I may never have the promise of marriage that I understand God created it to be.
Sorry for all the run ons. I tend to ramble a bit when I am emotional.
Wow this a great eye opening hub, you are so dead on about men being wired differently with the sex, thats the way they release,great advice, voted up!
I know an old saying that goes something like this: A man marries a woman hoping she will never change, and a woman marries a man so she can begin her plans to change him. I know that we have no power to make a person change, no matter how much we love them. But I think it's one of the hardest lessons I've had to learn in my life. It's only lately I've had to apply it to my marriage though. Nice to "see" you!
Hi Jean, I have heard that saying before. You make a good point. The only person we can change is ourselves. It is nice to see you too!
Thanks for reading cherrycrime.I appreciate your comments.
Namaste.
I think your point about people who are constantly unhappy ruining their marriages is absolutely spot on.
Wow this is a wonderful Hub I loved it so much i hopped over and read the one for men! I look forward to reading more! :)
I agree, a very good hub, no worry we men go into marriage not knowing what to expect. The worse relationships are when both parties have multiple personalities! That can be dangerous! lol Thanks for sharing, voted up. Blessings, Art
Art, thanks for the feedback. It is terrible when both parties go into a relationship with hidden agenda's. No healthy ending in that.
Namaste.
Great write up.I quite agree that the tougher the situation and putting Jesus First, the stronger the love becomes.Marriages can only overcome all through absolute trust in the love of Christ.
lmmartin Level 6 Commenter 2 years ago
I agree most of us go into marriage with unrealistic expectations, and instead of understanding we have entered into a partnership contract we seek everlasting romance. Then we act out our disappointments. So true and thanks for a great hub. Lynda