The Married Girls' Guide to Great Sex; Part One

"A good man is hard to find, but easy to keep." Dr. Laura Schlessinger

You didn't marry your husband because you don't like him. You didn't look for someone you hated and trick him into marrying you, in order that your lives could be miserable forever. If you did, you will not like this blog.

When you got married, you loved him. You liked him. And you respected him. Hopefully you still do. Our respect is so important to the men in our lives. It's what they yearn for. It is so important that God commands us to respect our husbands. Loving them is usually easier, but respecting them is sometimes a difficult road. After being married a while, it becomes even more difficult.

To respect someone is to speak well of them, lifting them up, encouraging them, not speaking badly of them, or to them. It is easy, as women, to see our husband as just another girlfriend, to whom we can air all our complaints. Even worse, sometimes we view our husbands as one more kid who wants something from us. We need to see them as the great men that they are, the providers and protectors of house and home, the valiant knights who guard our lives.

Respecting your husband does not mean putting less importance on your role as a woman. Men and women fulfill different roles in families, and in society. We wives need to embrace the role of encourager, edifier, helper and supporter of our husbands, to encourage them to become the men that God intends them to be.

Respecting our husbands often comes after so many other seemingly more important things. We begin to focus on the many ways they frustrate us. We examine how they don't provide for us adequately. We look at how lousy they are with the kids. We see that they never help with the things we want. We see them losing their hair, and those big sexy arms...

Slowly, our respect fades and resentment grows. Mr. Wonderful has turned into Mr. Smelly Socks, or Mr. Didn't take out the Trash, or, worse yet, Mr. Forgot My Birthday. What happened to Mr. Wonderful? We sometimes wonder what we ever saw in him to begin with. When you married him, he was everything you wanted in a man.

"Besides," you may have figured, "what I don't like now, I can change later." Ladies, this is wrong thinking. Albert Einstein once said, "A man marries a woman, hoping she will never change. A woman marries a man, hoping he will hurry up and change."

Let's turn our thinking from, "What can he do to please me?", to "How can I please him?". Remember, you did marry Mr. Wonderful. It's time to find Mr. Wonderful and bring him home.

Stop trying to change him into what you think he should be, what your friends, your mother, and your therapist think he should be, and start loving him again for who he is.

It is important to realize that our husbands desire our respect above all else. Unfortunately, we may be the last people to give it to them. They get respect at work. They get respect from their male peers. But when they walk through the front door of their own home, the home they work to provide, a woman who sees them as inadequate greets them at the door with a litany of complaints.

It could be enough to drive him into the arms of another woman. The bible describes an adulterous woman as having a flattering tongue, who leads men on a path to deception and destruction. These other women sink their hooks in by being nice to our husbands, by making them feel adequate, competent, intelligent... all the things we tell them they are not. This is not to say that all men are cheaters, or that your husband is looking at other women. What I am asking is, how do you treat your man?

Your husband didn't marry you so he could cheat on you, make you mad, or make you miserable. He married you because he loves you and he wants to take care of you.

Now, let's get about the business of giving our husbands some respect. "But," you say, "He doesn't deserve my respect. He always... or, he never... How can I respect him when he does that?"

Well. Are you always lovable? When you are nagging him, are you lovable? When you give him the silent treatment are you lovable? When you withhold sex, are you lovable? We always expect our husbands to love us. God commands us to give our husbands unconditional respect.

Now is the time to show our husbands some respect. It is important to look at the good they do, rather than focus on all the things they don't do the way we want, or the things they forget to say in just the right way. If we give them the respect they deserve, we can gently direct them to do or say the things we need. He will swim across shark infested water, to bring you cold lemonade, if you give him the respect he desires.

It is not enough to say that you love your husband. God created us to love, so it comes easily. Women are naturally loving, kind and compassionate. God asks us to respect our husbands, because it does not come naturally, nor is it easy. We have to work at giving them respect, because this is what they crave from us.

What are some practical ways we can give our husbands the respect they need? The first, and most important is not to participate in male bashing with our girlfriends. This can be hard. When we all get together and start talking, the conversation inevitably turns to our husbands. It turns from good to bad pretty quickly, as we discuss how they let us down, and what they do wrong. Stop. Once you start down this path, you build up resentment against the man you love, whether he deserves it or not. And worse yet, you have poisoned your girlfriends against your man. The next time they see him, they won't respect him either. So girls, I encourage you to talk about something else.

Along these lines, we must consider how we speak to our children regarding their father. Their opinion of daddy is largely shaped by our opinion of him. The things we say about him to or around the kids alter their perception of him. If we speak of a man who should be honored, who is trustworthy and loyal, then they will love and respect him. If we speak badly about the inconsiderate jerk who is always late, then they will not respect him either.

I have a friend who embodies this idea. She firmly believes that her children's opinion of their dad begins with her. Once, when he was late getting home, rather than complaining about his rudeness, she gathered the kids together and said, "Kids, let's pray for daddy. He had to work late, and I know he wants to be home with us." Not only did they pray together for their dad, they prepared themselves to greet him cheerfully when he did arrive. He did not walk into a house full of angry looks and sullen silence, but a warm household, happy to see daddy after a long day.

As you begin to rebuild his confidence, and you build your own respect for him, you will see the beginning of changes that will ultimately lead you to enjoy Great Sex.

As you respect him, even when you don't feel like it, he will respond by becoming more loving and kind to you. As your comfort level increases, you will be more interested in pleasing him and being pleased by him.

Assignments:

Week 1: One day this week, thank your husband for going to wok everyday. Don't comment on the amount of money he makes. Don't complain about the long hours, or all the . He is trying to provide for you. Thank him simply and quietly, honestly and graciously. Even if you are the bread winner, and he stays home with the kids. Thank him for doing it.

Week 2: Praise his commitment to provide for and protect your family. Let him know that you appreciate what he does for you. This is not about whether you think he does an adequate job. He is committed to the family. Tell him, or write a note telling him that you appreciate his commitment to your family.

Week 3: Men are created to be problem solvers. Unlike our girlfriends, we can't vent on our husbands just for the sake of talking. When we vent, they want to fix it. One day this week, sincerely seek him for advice on something in your life. After he gives you a solution, thank him for his insight and advise. Do not argue. Do not tell him why his idea won't work, or won't help. Just say, "Thanks honey, I'll consider that." He will be pleased that you sought his advice.

Week 4: The final assignment for part one is to respect your husband as the authority of your household. Ultimately he feels responsible for the family. This week praise him for a good decision he makes. The other side of the coin is to be quiet when he makes a bad decision. He already knows he screwed up. He doesn't need you to rub his nose in it. What he does need is for you to support him and to be his cheerleader.

Discussion Questions:

1. How did your husband respond when you thanked him for going to work? How did you fee saying it?

2. When you sought your husbands advice, did he give you a solution you could use? Was it something you thought of, or did he approach it from a different angle?

3. How hard is it for you to accept your husband's authority? Are you able to be quiet in the face of his mistakes?

4. What do you believe you can do to make your marriage better?