The Married Girls Guide to Great Sex; Part 7

“Have the courage of your desires.” George Gissag

Great Sex isn’t only about pleasing and taking care of your husband. The other half of the equation is receiving pleasure. Sometimes it is hard to relax enough to enjoy the moment. We think about kids, laundry, bills. Just about everything under the sun besides the task at hand. Don’t give up on having Great Sex. We women just need to let go and lose ourselves in the pleasure of being intimate with our husbands.

This chapter is not about healing from post sexual abuse, or rape. It is not about helping you past your psychological hang-ups about sex. I cannot help you deal with a husband who is addicted to pornography. These are things that I am not qualified to speak to. If you have these sorts of issues, I strongly urge you to seek professional counseling with someone who is trained specifically in these areas.

I am talking to women who are tired of ho-hum sex, tired of not enjoying their life to the fullest. One issue for many women is esteem. Sometimes we don’t feel worthy. Sometimes we don’t feel that he is worthy. Let’s get one thing straight. No one is truly worthy, without the saving grace of Christ Jesus. That aside, you married a man you loved, and hopefully still do. You want to make him happy, and he wants to please you.

Our husbands enjoy giving us pleasure. We ought to be gracious enough to receive it and enjoy it. The first key to enjoying Great Sex is to know what you like. To teach someone else what pleases you, you have to be able to show or tell them.

By this point, you are hopefully gaining confidence in yourself, and in your own ability to be a great lover. Now, learn what you like. Take some time to get to know the in’s and out’s of your body (pun intended), so that you know what feels good to you. We are all different. What some of us shudder and moan over, may make others cringe. Just don’t assume you won’t like something until you try it out and see where it takes you. Fantasize about what you would like to have done to you. Ponder what makes you tick, sexually speaking. Do not be afraid to explore your body in the shower or in bed. Discover yourself.

Learning what pleases you may take some time. And over time, what feels good may change. Age, weight fluctuations, pregnancy, hormones, all conspire to keep us searching for our libido. Keep experimenting until you know what it is that makes you short of breath.

Once you have an idea, it is time to impart the knowledge upon your husband. I can hear the embarrassed groans and deep sighs, but bear with me. With any luck, and skill, he will be an eager pupil. He will be especially eager if you’ve been doing some of the previous assignments.

It is not easy talking about sex. People get easily embarrassed and if you say the wrong thing, or the right thing at the wrong time, feelings can be hurt. So, it may be wise to proceed with caution. Be gentle with his tender male ego.

Your husband is your lover. He is your friend and confidant. There should be no topic in your marriage that you are too embarrassed to talk about.

Take a deep breath. This is the man who not only shares your bed, but your body. It is your responsibility and your right to have him pleasure you.

Unfortunately, most women cannot achieve orgasm only through the stimulation of intercourse. The angle is wrong. The timing is wrong. It doesn’t usually happen that way for us. The porn industry, and male magazines do us a great disservice. Through viewing women in these arena's, men come away believing they need do nothing more than show up ready. Unfortunately in real life, this is rarely the case.

Most of what men think they know about sex comes from some of these sources. Since no one points out the inaccuracy, men think they know what to do, when more often then don’t. Some of them don’t have a clue. Ladies, stop the insanity. We have to tell them. We want to enjoy Great Sex, too. Most women require manual or oral stimulation to reach a climax. It’s a good thing you started doing it first. It is hard to get them to do something that we refuse to do.

Rather than letting sex slip into the 15 minutes between sports and Jay Leno’s monologue, transcend the mundane routine of your life. Think about what you want, what you enjoy, what you fantasize about. To reach Great Sex, you then have to relay these desires to your husband. No, you do not have to tell him your fantasy. You can keep that to yourself. But you should be able to share with him what you want.

Begin by telling him how much you enjoy being his wife. Tell him he is a great lover, and add, “I especially like it when you do…such and such.” Or, you could gently tell him that something just doesn’t work for you. Make sure you add, “but if you would do…this…instead, it would drive me wild.”

Sometimes we are concerned that asking for what we want may cause conflict. It is hard to make your needs known. In spite of this difficulty, you must share with him, in order to enjoy Great Sex. If your husband is not meeting your needs, this is your responsibility. You cannot criticize him for not meeting your needs if you do not know what they are, and if you don’t tell him what they are.

One way to make your needs known is by tossing a little humor into the mix. Recently, a Saturday Night Live skit featured two southern bells discussing, “Colonel Angus”. With hilarious implication, they discussed how all women love “Colonel Angus”, how “Colonel Angus” travels in the hot, damp deep South. So, if all else fails start calling your husband “Colonel Angus”. Tell him you’d like him to take a trip down south, for a tour of Oral Roberts University. Or, if he is too thick-headed, tell him to work on becoming a ‘cunning linguist’. Whatever vein your humor takes to get him informed. Just don’t joke about the size of his equipment. Unless it’s to tell him how big he is.

The next step is to show him what you like. Get him south of the border and give him a demonstration. You don’t have to behave like a porn star, although your husband will love it if you do. Take some time to show him how to touch you. As I said, most men don’t know as much as they think they do, and if we don’t tell them no one will. He will love it if you show him, or tell him exactly what you want him to do. Hopefully, he will learn something, and both of you will be on your way to enjoying Great Sex.

Assignments

Week 1: One day, while you are in the shower, explore your body. Learn what feels good. Don’t do this on a morning when you’re late for work, or you have to drive the carpool. Take your time. Relax and get to know yourself. Lather up your body and relearn all the cracks, crevices, hill and valleys.

Week 2: Call your husband during the day and describe what you want him to do to you. It can be graphic or benign. Before you get too into the dirty details, make sure he is not on a speaker phone. Try to be colorful enough to get him excited. Spend the rest of the day fantasizing about what you want him to do.

Week 3: Get out the body oil and ask your husband to rub you down. Better yet, command that he rub you with warm oil. Don’t lie there quietly. Get into it. Moan and squirm around. By the time he’s ready, you will be there, too.

Week 4: One night tell him it is your turn. Have him pleasure you to completion. Tell him it is his turn to use his mouth and hands for something besides a harmonica!

Discussion Questions

1. Have you ever climaxed? Does your husband bring you there regularly? Do you fake it on a regular basis?

2. What things do you have trouble discussing in your marriage? What are the most sensitive topics?

3. Do you agree that you have the right to receive pleasure? Do you feel a responsibility to reciprocate every time? Does your husband?

4. Do you enjoy being a woman? What is your favorite thing about being a woman? What is your least favorite thing about it?